一二零三

失眠夜，眼睛好像只闭了一粒钟，然后就惊醒，翻来覆去看手机，上厕所，等。

满脑子就是要怎么继续经营下去？是要等到他新居入伙才做个了断，还是短痛不如长痛？

我各方面已感觉不到热情了，唯剩的只是个可有可无的陪伴，加一点约束。他？我不懂。

替他庆祝生日而悄悄订了一晚的酒店住宿，取消了。因为疫情他觉得不适合在外住宿。

也对啦，家里毕竟比较安全，不过我就想制造些浪漫啊，和一些比较不平常的回忆。

算了算了，不领情就算了。我剩下钱买我自己想要的更好不过。

离家出走

 "如果是未婚男女梦见自己离家出走，那就表示做梦人的恋爱过程将会有挫折发生，并且很有可能无法挽回，必须多加注意。"

I feel I'm ready should anything happens. It is not the end of the world. 

十一二九

I'm in a tricky situation where, part of me wants to be involved as much as I can in the project he calls home, like at least that's what I feel I should be doing as a partner? Yet the dark part of me has this fear for over expressing my view, for he is a man with ego and a little defensive when it comes to external opinions?

It first occurred month back when we were shopping around for household items, basically stuffs to fit a new home from nothingness, i.e. lights, fans, toilet & kitchen stuffs, you name it. I don't believe what I did was meant to cause any discomfort, but he then confronted to me saying that I had been very disagreeable on what he had in mind, what he liked, and what he chose. I was merely like telling him my ideas which was not essential at all, not my house to fit anyway. 

And then it occurred again today, which I regretted a lot for heading over to his new place under renovation. Never have I thought little comments like ohhh maybe the lights can be better here would cause him turning on his defensive fence - I didn't acknowledge a lot of things he wants to do. 

I'm totally stunned, though not surprised. I have been extra careful on what I say that could potentially go against his view, guess I've let my mouth loose by accident? But no, I don't think that's true this time. My cautiousness has been like a shield, on guard most of the time. 

So what have I done wrong this time? Did I not give him enough acknowledgements? I don't think so, I like most of his idea (or at least I don't/won't oppose them), knowing him and his logic of putting each and every colors and themes under one roof. Basically putting what he wears to how he decorate his living environment. Contrast of colors and textures and features and everything else. 

Whereas me? I like it clean, simple, as minimal as possible. That is definitely something drawing us apart. 

Anyway, it is your house, not mine. You own it so you can do whatever with it as you want, I'm merely a partner who's trying to help whenever required. I don't have the power to oppose or to disagree on anything which are not mine. If you feel all these are too much for you, you've no idea how much I've been holding. :)

I ain't superman. I feel the same exhaustion too, of being too good in accommodating. But then again, something that I've learned from the past relationship is not to compare/measure mutual sacrifices. But then fact is still fact, I'm still a good accommodator, if not great. I can tolerant many things, except for cheating and being unreasonable. And that is why I've been telling off by you for

How do I feel about this relationship? 

I don't have the right answer, even though we've hold hands for slightly over a year. Probably I do expect a lil bit more of excitement and events to anticipate like how it should be in a relationship? Probably I'm not that ready to settle down for a staple lifestyle? Probably I'd prefer a bit more similarities in interest and lifestyle? Also probably a leader instead of a follower?

十月二二

爱让别人感受到自己欠缺的快乐，并不是要来表现出自己有多伟大或委屈，而是要为对方送上祝福，因为施比受更有福。

十月二一

 去年九月，懒惰又没耐心/恒心/决心的我，为了在美国和日本之旅之前瘦下来，下定决心参与了一项为期十天的排毒疗程。我敢说这不是任何人都可以经历得起的，因为十天只喝nutri pack，一天喝六次，每一次500ml，加上早晚两小杯的浓缩营养汁，和一杯肉桂茶。

所谓的nutri pack就是把差不多十种粉状的supplement胶囊，去掉胶囊直接把粉倒入shaker里，加入500ml的水，摇一摇，喝。那个味道四个字形容 - 终身难忘。太难望了到最后我选择直接把胶囊吞下，一天六次。

稍微暴饮暴食了一年后加上幸福肥，体重又飙升回去年那个68。这一两个月有稍微每天断食16个小时，体重有稍微下降到66。衣服还是穿不好看，又不爱运动，所以嗨~索性来多一次排毒疗程，当是一年一度帮身体做个彻底的清理。

这一次我没有那个胆量和急需要瘦到60，所以决定排个五天，去年的一半，瘦个2-3kg就好了，不贪心。

第三天刚刚完毕。这次感觉好像比较有感觉，那种不饿但是超想吃东西的感觉。MCO至今，食物好像变成了一种寄托，一种期待，一种平衡与中和情绪的毒药。早餐的面包配花生酱香蕉和黑咖啡，是多么普遍又美味的期待呀!

然后近期也比较少吃肉类，唯一会嘴馋的是炸物类，比如说炸鸡！算了吧还是不要想炸鸡了，答应了神明要如果工作能保住的话就会茹素一个月，就因此那么巧CMCO加排毒加茹素三者碰在同一周，相当于三倍的考验。

已经在想了，周六的第一餐要吃些什么，不过应该会是protein shake一杯来开斋，午餐是烫西兰花和鸡蛋，晚餐可能是沙拉？看到时候KL有没有过来。

12AM了，还有一个小时，公司的新产品发布在本地时间1AM，鸟~

十月七号

昨晚那场梦怪得不行。死，然后复活，再死，再复活，到底是代表着什么？是我一次次为你而给自己的机会，还是为自己给你的机会？

一年前就懂节日对你而言不是什么值得特别庆祝的事。比如说关系几时开始？你不在乎，喜欢就开始。我反而是那个充满着仪式感的老小孩，重视节日，喜欢团聚小庆祝的老小孩。

一周年快乐，我说了。你也就那样的回了。就那样的回了。就那样顺便地，回了。

我确实有点失望。

你到底对生活还有什么热忱的？

八月十五

对一个爱过节的我来说， 这个中秋格外冷清，还下了整天的雨，凄凉极了。不过也好，从亚庇回来的还是要谨慎一点（虽然昨天以外出），如果真的那么不好彩身上带着C字头病毒，那就阿弥陀佛了，我会变成罪人一个，Cluster的帮主。So far是没什么症状，该有的都没有。相思算不算？

人生短短几十年，今时今日的生命又纸一般脆弱，活着一天多一天。想了好久，八月三至今，再不破冰就很大机会是送殡再见了。原谅他了吗？算是吧。想回头毕竟我也不是一个好男友，只是他比我糟（渣很多）罢了。

所以结束一段感情，不管是八个月还是八年，一整个从悲伤到痊愈的过程最后一段/一步便是原谅与祝福。最近还蛮长梦见他与他家人，不觉得心疼还是什么，反而是一种安慰。当初那个无话不说（除了渣之秘密），眨个眼就明白对方要说什的默契还是那么让我怀念。

我的破冰开场白很lame他说，不过他buy啊。还很不甘愿说久等了。然后就这样咯。

完。

光良品冠

拜拜后盘坐神坛上，背对着神像望着前方的排屋和天空。神坛很干净很舒服，有凉风。它好像这栋Condo的守护神，坐落在篱笆入口和电梯的中间位置，左右是Condo的两Block。Condo的印度人一家走过看了我一眼，怪怪的因为哪有人拜拜时是背对着神像的啊？前方的corner lot排屋，很熟悉。是Wayne的老家！也不懂哪来的肯定。来了辆甲虫还是mini车停在家门前，下车的两位竟然是超久未合体的 #光良品冠！！Wayne的一家出来迎接他们，收礼物合照什么的。我心想如果我过去有没有可能来张合照什么的？画面马上就跳过去了，他们两就在我面前。他们说Wayne家里的小孩参加网上活动赢了奖品，他们是负责送奖过来的，车子厂商就是赞助。忘了聊天内容，左后要求selfie，可是手机不听话，久久未能开去相机。光良滑了我的手机选filter，他喜欢怀旧/复古一点的feel。我们三的画面只出现在手机里1秒，照片还未拍，Wayne家的小孩跑过来说奖品里的铅笔用不着，问是否能退还。。。然后我就醒了。

Spotify听着光良品冠的playlist。